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句会実験の英訳コメント(その1)

 投稿者:ryo  投稿日:2009年 4月30日(木)21時41分3秒
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  "kukai on the Internet 9"

I’m pleased to inform you the result of the "kukai on the Internet 9".
If you give me your comment and suggestion on our “kukai”, I’ll appreciate
it. Probably we’ll be able to have the next “kukai” about 5~6 months
later.

---------------------------------------
Ryo Suzuki
<haiku-eg@nifty.com>
<http://homepage2.nifty.com/haiku-eg/>
---------------------------------------


[[12 votes]]
dancing
of light
through red leaves

Harada= I like “dancing of light”.
Sato = I can imagine the red leaves.
masoumeh= beauty
Hayashi= It reminds me of the red leaves at Daiyuzan Temple.
Kitamura= I can imagine the dancing light and the glitter of red leaves.
Sone= I can imagine the glittering red leaves. A beautiful haiku.
Jun= I find this a very intriguing haiku.  It may appear that it’s the light
  which is dancing; but actually these are the leaves and their accompanying
 motion.  This phenomenon tells me I’m half-way home - it is a spot I pass
 through when I go home.
Yamazaki= I can imagine the sight as soon as I read this haiku.
Nunuta= The red leaves and the light are playing.  A very picturesque haiku.
Iwamoyo= I can feel the throbbing pulse of light.
Ian= I imagine the scene:- a gentle breeze shaking the leaves of a Japanese maple
   and the ever-changing patterns of sunlight.
Mike Moran= Flowers dance with glee as spring arrives
##### This haiku is written by Nakamura

[[11 votes]]
the shape of
her breath
on a crisp cold day

Gene= We are the air we breathe
Sakuma= Is she rushing to her office early on a winter morning?
Yoshizawa= I suppose the shape of breath, white and vigorous, makes
    me feel alive.
Anamizu= The contrast of two things. The warmth of her breathing
    and the coldness of the winter air, so cold that you can see the shape of
    her breath. Because of the word ‘crisp’, I feel refreshed from the haiku.
Jun= I wonder what shape/s can be formed.  Or if the shapes are influenced by
  the emotions, or even by gender.  One thing for sure - it was a cold time of
    the day.
Kurosawa=
Akai= Breath does not have ‘shape’, but I am interested in the writer’s expression
    ‘the shape of her breath’.
Iwamoto= I feel the coldness―so cold that you can see the shape of the breath.
Taguchi=
Ian= Even the most ordinary things become fascinating when in the company of
     the one you love.
ryo= I am interested in the writer’s approach―catching the shape of
     her breath

#### This haiku is written by Mykel Boar

[[10 votes]]
between cracks
daylight
slips through

Harada= I can see the daylight slipping through.
Gene= And God said, let there be light!
Mykel Board= I like this haiku because it takes a clich? slips through the
    cracks which means something was lost and turns it on its head. It is something
    found, something discovered rather than lost. Perhaps the daylight is between
    bamboo cracks, or old wood that is not joined as tightly as it used to be. The verb
    slips is very good here, because it shows the unintentionality of the slipping
    daylight.
Hayashi= A sight like in a black and white picture.
Nakayama= I feel the beauty of the light going between cracks. The sunlight is
    the hope and the source of all things.
Kubodera= Daylight from cracks is a ray of hope.
Nakamura= When peeping between cracks daylight hits the eyes.
    The feeling of being at a live performance. Interesting.
Kurosawa=
Nunuta= If I came across this kind of scene at a deep, rocky mountain, I would
    feel divine. The sound of the words and rhythm is comforting as well.
##### This haiku is written by Jun

[[7 votes]]
solitary tree
casts long shadow
moonlit evening

Gene= the reach of one's influence
Hayashi= The moon shining brilliantly.  A solitary tree in a vast field.
Nakayama= I can image the scene vividly. I think I saw a similar scene in
    a Van Gogh painting. I admire the way the moon is described through
    shadow.
Kobayashi= I think I saw a similar scene in a picture.
Kurosawa= At first I thought ‘moonlight’ should be used. However, I learned
    ‘moonlit’ is correct from my dictionary.
Nunuta= The rhythm of this haiku is not that attractive, but I am impressed by
    the scene―it makes me feel lonely. This strikes me as incongruous,
    something like I would feel from a Japanese haiku which has
    too many syllables.
Akai= I remember a Japanese haiku: pitiful pine tree in the field.
    Probably this is a thin tree with no leaves.
##### This haiku is written by Mike Moran
 
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