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今回、句会実験に参加された外国人へ、送るための
英訳コメントをご紹介いたします。
"kukai on the Internet" 07.8./ result
I’m pleased to inform you the result of the "kukai on the Internet" 07.8.
If you give me your comment and suggestion on our “kukai”, I’ll appreciate
it. Probably we’ll be able to have the next “kukai” about 5~6 months
later.
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Ryo Suzuki
<haiku-eg@nifty.com>
<http://homepage2.nifty.com/haiku-eg/>
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[[9 votes]]
drops from rain
splash and splash
on earth
<<Sato>> has a keen sense of language.
<<Harada>> a good observation of rain drops.
<<Hayashi>> “splash and splash” describes a long gloomy rain well.
<<fukko>> I can hear the rhythmical sound of the rain.
<< Mike Moran >> Beautiful in its simplicity, it's an all too familiar scene.
<<yuko >> The first word ‘drops’ and the repetition of ‘splash’ give me
the feeling of being at the spot.
<<Oshima>>
<<Iwamoto>> I like the comparison of small raindrops and the huge earth in
the same haiku verse.
<<Taguchi>>
##### This haiku is written by Mr. Nakamura.
[[8 votes]]
a straw hat
rolling
blue ocean ahead
<<Sato>> an impressive straw hat in contrast with the glittering ocean.
<<Harada>> I like the hat rolling.
<<Yoshizawa>> I feel I’d like to race with the straw hat.
<<Kubodera>> a straw hat and the blue ocean―wonderful contrast of
colors.
<<fukko>> a beautiful picture of summer.
<<Iwamoto>> I can imagine beautiful colors from “a hat” and “blue
ocean”.
<<Anamizu>>
<<ryo>> I can see a very impressive picture from the two phrases:
“a straw hat rolling” and “blue ocean ahead”.
##### This haiku is written by Ms. Akai.
[[7 votes]]
cherry blossoms gone
New York again
New York
<<Ishihara>>
<<Nakamura>> I like “again”.
<<Harada>> I understand the situation of the trip.
<<Lee>>
<<yuko>> Because of “gone” and “again”, I can imagine a picture
that is like the last scene of a movie.
<<Oshima>> I feel a certain atmosphere by the repetition of
“New York”.
<<ryo>> Cherry blossoms even in New York also have a Japanese-
like atmosphere. This haiku expresses well that New York has
returned to the usual New York after cherry blossoms are gone.
##### This haiku is written by Mr. Mykel Board.
[[6 votes]]
summer eve
on the swing
nobody
<<Nakamura>> a well described family situation at the end of
summer.
<< Mykel >> This is another summer one that I like. You can see
people, in dark cool places, away from heat, (maybe in a
park), but no people are mentioned... only the absence of
people.
<<Yamamoto>> I think it would be better if you move “nobody”
from the third line to the first line. What do you think?
<<Kubodera>> During the daytime, children were very vigorous.
However, now at dusk only the swing is swaying lonely.
The scene is vivid to me.
<<Hayashi>> I imagine a public square in the hot evening.
I read the “eve” as evening.
<<Iwamoto>> I feel a summer evening becoming a bit cooler .
##### This haiku is written by ryo.
[[6 votes]]
roman sun
stumbling up to the spanish steps
to keats
<<Ishihara>>
<<Akai>> I learned for the first time that the house where Keats
once lived is on the right side of the Spanish Steps. In the
movie “Roman Holiday”, Hepburn and Peck were talking
about Keats’ and Shelly’s poems. This haiku reminds me
of the scene, and makes me like the movie even more.
<<Lee>>
<<Oshima>> I feel as if I hear pleasant music and I see the scene.
<<Taguchi>>
<<ryo>> It’s possible that what is heading for the house, where
Keats once lived, is the writer himself. At the same time,
it is also possible that, what is heading for the house, isn’t
a human being but the Roman sun. It’s interesting to suppose
that the sun is stumbling up to the Spanish Steps to Keats’
house.
##### This haiku is written by Gene.
[[6 votes]]
playing tag
with the sunshine
laundry on the pole
<<Ishihara>>
<<Nakayama>> White laundry sways in the wind, and the sunshine
chases. These two move like living things, so this haiku has the
throbbing pulse of life. I’d like to put on such laundry.
<<Hayashi>> moderate wind over the laundry.
<<Steve>> I can see the movement and feel the interplay between
sunshine and laundry
<<Iwamoto>> a scene in an everyday life, but full of the throbbing
pulse of life.
<<Taguchi>>
##### This haiku is written by Ms. Kubodera.
[[6 votes]]
Sunset
Light becomes dark
Hold my hand
<<Nakayama>> The third line is very impressive. It may suggest
something. My image has expanded and I feel warm.
<<Yoshizawa>> a scene of days of both loving each other. I feel
something warm comes to me.
<<Akai>> In any season, you begin to miss human companionship
around the time of sunset. You want to take someone hand in
hand―anyone, children or adults.
<<Kitamura>> Are they lovers?
<<Oshima>>
<<ryo>> I imagine a man is speaking to his wife ill in bed.
“Sunset/ Light becomes dark” and “Hold my hand”―these
three phrases strongly appeal to readers.
##### This haiku is written by Steve
[[5 votes]]
breeze―
smell of the roses
from the lane
<<Kitamura>>
<<Kubodera>>
<<fukko>>
<<Mike Kosiba>>
<<Anamizu>>
##### This haiku is written by Mr. Yoshizawa
[[5 votes]]
hot noon
standing on
my shadow
<<Sato>>
<<Nakayama>>
<<Mykel>> I like this one because it says so much in such a short space.
It has season, an feeling of heat, yet at the same time a feeling of
awareness outside the body of the poet. If you stand on your shadow
at noon, you're standing on something very small... and it takes
something special to be aware of it
<<Akai>>
<<fukko>>
##### This haiku is written by Mr. Nakamura.
[[5 votes]]
last stop
no one leaves the train
but me
<<Sato>> loneliness at a terminal station.
<<Nakamura>> pathos we often come across.
<< Mykel >> This one is kind of spooky, with an "end of the line" feeling.
The whole thing could be a metaphor for life. At the end of OUR trains,
no one leaves, but us.
<< Mike Moran >> While at first this haiku seems to evoke feelings of
isolation, it ultimately makes one feel special - the train all to myself.
<< Steve >> One can feel the isolation and possible loneliness of the
person and the image of the train at its last stop.
##### This haiku is written by Gene.
[[5 votes]]
hilltop
near and faraway
countless dragonflies
<<Nakamura>>
<<Nakayama>>
<<Harada>>
<<Yamamoto>>
<<Mike Kosiba>>
##### This haiku is written by fukko.
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